Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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