My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Iām sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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