I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
