I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
