Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize