The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
