Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
