and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
