anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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