were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
