You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
