I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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