I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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