how can u be prego again
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm too high and old for this...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize