Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
