She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
