I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Green mimosas i think yes
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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