Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
