I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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