It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
