my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
