wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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