I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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