why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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