I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
