I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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