I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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