Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
