Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
