She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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