um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
