She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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