He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
