I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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