an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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