I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
