I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
