got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize