Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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