I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
