textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
