They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
