I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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