Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
