Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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