Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
