if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You are a genius and a whore.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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