I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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