I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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