dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
