I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
