I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize