I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
