the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
