This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
this is an emotional support booty call
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
