I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
