she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Nobody cheats on THIS.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
